domingo, 14 de abril de 2013

April 10, 2013

That day, I lost my mom. Figuratively. My parents signed the divorce, something that we saw coming ages ago yet it didn’t happen until now.

She went away with another man last July. I asked her about him in September and she shouted at me horrible things I can still listen to in my head (“you are nuts, a liar… reading so many books is making you crazy…”). I stopped talking to her.

On January, she “apologized” but I didn’t think she was being honest. I ignored her. I was trying to heal myself from thousands of scars and wounds she left me through my entire life.

On February 21, I received her suit for divorce against my dad. She said horrible things and lies. Some of them were about her, but attributed to my dad … I said many things in January. Even my second brother, who is younger than me for two years, was involved, illegally, in the lies.

The next day, February 22, she took away my youngest brother. He is 15, I haven’t seen him since, even though I’ve chatted a couple time with him. It seems as if they are controlling each and every of his moves. I should know, been there, done that, and all that jazz. Still, she kept sending my and my older brother text messages saying that she loved us… we couldn’t believe them. I told myself that I would talk to her again if she showed she cared about us, but she didn’t.

So, yeah… on Wednesday April 10, 2013, my parents signed the divorce. I wanted… wished… for her to show she really cared about me and my brother. We wanted for her to accept my dad’s agreement (leaving us the house until my brother finished college or I was 25, meaning 3 more years), She didn’t. 

She wanted to sell the house as soon as possible because I could work and help pay bills, and my brother was too behind in school and he should start to see for himself… In other words, she didn’t care about our well being. In the end, we have to sell the house in a year and a half.

When she went out of the offices, we saw her and she saw us… and she smiled delighted. It hurt… Practically, she pushed us aside, she denied us as her children. On Friday, she sent us a text message that said that she loved us. But she already lost us.

She may earn her money and lived happily ever after with this man. I really hope she ends up being happy and I will forgive her once I stop feeling so sad and mad… but she lost her only daughter and her older son, who is so full of resentment and hatred it hurts… I don’t know when I will talk to her again, but in the main time, she isn’t a “mom” or a “mother” anymore, she’s only the person who brought me to life.

I want her and her boyfriend the best. I wish my soon-to-be 20 year old brother the best. I hope I can see really soon my 15 year old brother. I pray my older brother heals from his hurt and hatred and resentment. I want my dad to be happy… and I want myself to be okay… I don’t know how long it will take, but I know I will.

I will be free from the labyrinth of suffering.

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